I spent the weekend on the Cape, indoors, working on my paper. It was a very good place to work on it though. I was able to sleep “outdoors” on a screened in deck, which was quite nice in the rain.
In an effort to defeat cabin/paper fever, I took a decent-length ride, again in the rain – about 20 meandering miles on backways and side roads. The ride took me along the seacoast, which was really quite beautiful. No one was on the roads, the sky was different sheets of gray with those dark rain-tendrils arcing down under the more distant clouds. They seemed to interlock with the short scrub pines anchoring the sand dunes. Whenever I crested a hill, I got that “big sky” effect from being essentially out on the ocean, then I’d descend into pine groves that would feel comfortingly enclosing, even though they were just higher than myself standing on the bike. The surf was fairly high, and everything smelled wonderful. I rode Lumina (fixed gear) because she’s the easiest to transfer and with her slightly deflated 27-inch tires, affords plenty of traction in the rain. Riding a fixed in those conditions is kind of a teleological experience – either you stand up and climb the hill or you don’t. Frees up lots of time for thought.
Since there was an e-mail inquiry as to what was going on in the post below, I thought write in to say that I’ve no idea who the tough guy/gal is, but it’s a real puzzler. These type of things are always bizarre (I mean beyond the hypocrisy of some “tough person” who tries to call you out anonymously *on a blog* because they’re too chicken-shit to draft a letter or tell you to your face).
Last semester, my girlfriend received some “trying to fuck with your head” emails from an anonymous mailer. I’m 99% sure I know who this person was, given that I knew someone who used the same obscure moniker before. That person was a friend of someone I socially offended (by non-action no less!) and they met a bad end (nothing at all to do with me). Given that end, I’m not surprised that the harassing emails were the product of a psychological and emotional unbalance. It’s not possible that it’s the same person.
So I guess my question is, regarding this recent poster, have I done anything that warrants someone trying to increase harm to myself? Is this an expression of revenge? I mean, I honestly don’t think I’ve done anything to warrant something like that, nor am I involved in any kind of social “war” with anyone. In the absence of personal malice directed at me for something I don’t know about, I can only conclude that this is a random expression by a juvenile/unbalanced person.
I write “juvenile” because I think that anyone who has lived on this planet, eyes open, for even a little while, can appreciate that people have good times and bad times, that people express themselves in different ways in different forums. So to randomly *try* to attack someone whom you’ve little connection with, only for the purpose of trying to make them hurt more, or to damage their self-esteem. . .well, perhaps it’s generous that I call it juvenile and not psychopathic. What’s next in this person’s day – spitting on the homeless?
I like to think that such things are the result of blindness induced by privilege, but often it just arises out of spite. Someone has a shitty life and they try to bring everyone to an equal level. Sounds cliché, I know, but you can’t make other people escape the banality of their actions.
At the risk of belaboring the obvious, if you don’t like reading this blog, then don’t read this blog. Take positive control of your life, John Wayne. Be tough and don’t click on the link. I know you can do it.
While there are different (and valid) philosophies on the subject, I think it’s OK to withhold some information when discussing “how you are” – meaning that the public display (or in my case, notation) of emotional states is not an all-or-nothing thing. I think it’s pretty valid to say, “Hey, I’m really bummed out right now due to personal reasons,” and spare everyone the gory details.
There are people out there who want to know the underlying facts, to, I suppose, determine if the emotional distress is really warranted by the distressed person. But I think that’s a pretty naïve way of looking at emotional processes. If you want to critique the frequency of behavior, that might be one thing. But even then, just because you’re dealing with someone who is *often* freaked out, it does not mean that they’re not *actually* freaked out.
I think in retrospect that my post was a mistake; it confused people, caused pointless speculation, and really didn’t do anything but let people know I was feeling horribly confused and rudderless. Which I suppose some people value, but most people don’t.
I’m feeling much more like I’ve a handle on things, which, again, I suppose some people value, but most people don’t.
However the underlying facts are not entirely mine to divulge. So that’s that.
Also, Mr. Scheule is a very courageous and compassionate person. Never think otherwise.