Crappy sprintish ride. I’ve totally got the jello legs on today – absolutely no strength at all. There are some days when you just go – nothing is really going to hold you back, certainly not in point-to-point city riding. Then there are other days, like today, when you feel your entire leg as you stroke – from the toes all the way up to the hips, plus, actually, further, into the abdomen and back and the shoulders and the arms which keep you on the bike, keep your legs driving down – and that entire system feels paper thin, as though it works fine, but there’s no driving solidity behind it, as though everything could desert you in a second and a stiff wind could knock you off the bike. As with much else, strength is largely subjective illusion. My time was fine, my speed was fine, I was as fast as I needed to be in traffic.
It’s a bad cycling day out there – gray, cold, chill-wet, slick. Not quite cold enough to numb your fingertips, but cold enough to send a chill through you.
I’m in an odd mood today. It’s rather like my ride – in between, in limbo. I’ve too much energy to just hibernate, not enough motivation to really launch into any kind of extended project. I’ve got 5 days till classes begin. In that time I need to:
1 Send out applications for summer positions (resume, basic cover letter, basic research – done).
2 Tweak the poetry manuscript (this would be MS #4).
3 Do some editorial work for one of the publications I’m affiliated with.
4 Pick up my reading material for the second semester (Section 3 relies largely on photocopied packets).
5 Look into the mechanics of getting a writer’s group going on campus: funding, notification, meeting place, etc.
I’m thinking that’s 3 super-leisurely “days” of work. If that.
This is the problem with opting out of the external validation/motivation scheme – at times it becomes very hard to motivate one’s self. During finals I spoke with some other non-trads who reported similar problems. Looking at the above list, I must do 1 (though 5 full days of work on that is simply overkill – no time pressure motivation yet) and 4 (that’s a ½ hour walk). Other than that though, eh. Perhaps I’ll feel more motivated after food and a shower. Or less energetic. Either would be welcome.