Field Guide to the Scoplaw

Physical Description – the scoplaw stands about 5’6” and weighs approximately 135lbs.  Hair is sparse (and unfortunately growing sparser on the forehead) and multi-colored.  Dominant colors, which vary by location, are black, honey brown, bright red and grey.  A variety of facial hair configurations have been cultivated at various times.  The scoplaw’s eyes are ambiguously colored, described most often as bluish/greenish, they have also been been described as hazel or grey.   The eyes seem to be the most consistently noted feature in various commentaries, but the scoplaw personally thinks this is silly.  Other distinctive body features include attached earlobes, tattoos, and second and middle toes of equal length.  The scoplaw does not bruise easily and, when healthy, heals from various trauma injuries quite quickly.  The scoplaw has never broken a major bone, despite a number of situations that seemed to call for it. 

Habitat and Range – the scoplaw can be found all over North America and in parts of Europe, usually never more than 50 miles from the coastline.  The scoplaw usually creates a small den which lasts for approximately one calendar year before moving to a new location.  Scoplaw dens can vary depending on their geographic location, but almost all feature a selection of unfortunate blazers, several shelves of books on rather esoteric topics, jars of spices, and slightly dated electronic equipment.  Red, Green, and Black are dominant color schemes.

In the wild, most scoplaw sightings occur either on public roadways, where the scoplaw impedes the flow of traffic, or in close proximity to libraries or large concentrations of poetry.  The scoplaw has often been seen in and on various bodies of water, and more rarely, in trees. 

The scoplaw has been known to cover long distances in all weathers, either by foot or by the aid of various mechanical devices of his own creation.

Social Organization – the scoplaw is a largely solitary animal, though it displays great social ingenuity at times.  For any given day, the scoplaw will spend most of its time alone, either providing for itself, or engaging in post-provision recreational functions.  Activities include various oral/aural practices (including the scoplaw reading aloud to himself), playing with a small furry animal, and scribbling away on paper/pecking away at keys.  It is not known what function these activities serve.

Social activities tend to center on a small group of friends and a larger group of acquaintances.  The scoplaw often deliberately disappears when acquaintance demands/requests exceed a certain threshold.  The scoplaw is largely wary of television and video games, but has been known to indulge, especially in winter periods.  The scoplaw dances, but never when asked. 

Disposition – the scoplaw is famously cool-headed and quite difficult to provoke.  Gunshots, skidding cars, belligerent natives, attacking dogs, various psychotic or merely hysterical behaviors, bicycle accidents, public heckling, and living in Yankee-ville have all been met with a calmness described, alternately, as “admirable” or “creepy.”  The exception to this is the scoplaw’s unfortunate tendency to make cutting and often highly inappropriate comments when in particularly obnoxious social situations that offend his sense of fair play.
 
Mating Habits – the scoplaw is a monogamous creature but will change mates under special and limited circumstances.

Dietary Habits – the scoplaw ingests primarily vegetable matter with the odd tasty fish thrown in.  Highly spiced dishes are favored and new/unusual foods or combinations of foods are actively sought and experimented with.  Favored beverages include very dark and heavy beers, whiskey, vodka, and all kinds of juices, although the scoplaw drinks mostly water, and lots of it at that.  The scoplaw regards white wine as an unfortunate aberration, and will not touch “that pink shit.”  The scoplaw is known for carefully cleaning and preparing his food with his dexterous forelimb appendages.

Sanitary Habits – the scoplaw washes daily.  In fact, if the scoplaw could live in the water, he probably would.  A lack of gills poses a distinct problem.

Products Made With Scoplaws – it is illegal to hunt the scoplaw in most civilized countries.  No known products are made from this animal, although there are dim rumors of a black market for scoplaw tongues, as indicated by the number of people who have expressed a desire to cut it out.